Science Humor!!

A Bit of Weekend Prose
Stages of a Grad Student
Are you a scientist?
Work Evaluations
Experimental Research
Top Ten Nerd List
Things heard at Nerd Conferences
Nerd Party
Dictionary of Research Phrases
PhD Defense
Science Answers
The Mother Tongue

**The following are all quotes from 11 year old's science exams.**

Answer on a college level, freshman biology exam:

"gonads: a tribe of wandering desert people."

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**What NOT to do/say at your Ph.D Defense**

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. Stage your own death/suicide.

4. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

5. Answer every question with a question.

6. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."

7. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."

8. Show slides of your last vacation.

9. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.

10. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

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**Dictionary of Research Phrases**

"It has long been known..."

"A reasonable trend is evident..."
    These data are practically meaningless.
"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
    It is interesting to me.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite anwers to these questions..."
    An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the data sets were chosen for detailed study..."
    The results of the others didn't match my conclusions.
"Typical results are shown..."
    The best results are shown.
"These results will be shown in a subsequent report..."
    Haven't gotten around to it.
"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
    He was my graduate student.
"It is believed that..."
    I think...
"It is generally believed that..."
    A couple of other guys think so, too.
"Much more work is needed before a complete understanding of the phenomenon can be reached."
    I don't understand it.
"This result is correct within an order of magnitude..."
    It is wrong.
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**Nerd Party**

At a nerd party...

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

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**Things Heard At Nerd Conferences.**

"The magnetic field lines are kinky."

"The magnetosphere sucks."

"I didn't mean to get so passionate about the physics."

"I think they are full of bologna."

"Oxygen is cool."

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**Top Ten Reasons to Date a Scientist**

10. They can show you what all the buttons on the calculator do.

9. They can tell you exactly how much to tip in a restaruant.

8. No matter how ugly your attire is they'll still think it's "hip".

7. They can perform a concerto in C++ on their keyboard for you. (P. O'Brien)

6. They know all about heat, friction, and gravitational attraction.

5. They can kill all the "bugs" for you.

4. They can tell you everything that is scientifically wrong about the Star Wars Movies.

3. You are 100 times more interesting than their last conversation with Bertha/Gilbert, their computer.

2. Two words: they're desperate. (J. Lin)

1. They know how to turn on your hard drive.

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**Experimental Research**

One day a researcher is doing an experiment with frogs. He cuts one of the frog's legs off. He ordered the frog to jump, and it did. Then he cut off one of the frog's arms off. He then ordered the frog to jump again, and it did as it was told. He continued to do this until he had cut all of the frog's appendages off. He then ordered the frog to jump, and the frog couldn't. The rescearcher then wrote in his notes: when I cut all of a frog's legs off it becomes deaf.

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**Supervisor's comments found on employee evalutions.**

Supervisor's comments found on employee evaluations.
    1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

    2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

    3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

    4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be."

    5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

    6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

    7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

    8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

    11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

    12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

    13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

    14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

    15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

    16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

    17) "He's been working with glue too much."

    18) "He would argue with a signpost."

    19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

    20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

    21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

    22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

    23) "He has a photographic memory with the lens cap glued on."

    24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

    25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

    26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

    27) "Has two brains cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

    28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

    29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

    30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

    31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

    32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

    33) "Some drank from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

    34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

    35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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**You might be a scientist...**

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you have never backed-up your hard drive.

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

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**Stages of a Grad Student...**

Being a graduate student is like becoming all of the Seven Dwarves...

In the beginning you're Dopey and Bashful.

In the middle you are unusually sick (Sneezy), tired (Sleepy), and irritable (Grumpy).

But at the end, they call you Doc, and then you're Happy.

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**A bit of weekend prose.**

When the week has drawn long,
There's no drink, word, or song,
To remedy the fact,
That your brain's not intact.

When the sun sets on the week,
There's only one medicine I seek.
For when the brain needs a rest,
Friday night is the best.

                        --C. Sargent Sullivan

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**The Mother Tongue**

Scene 1: an Old Stone Age campfire. Linguists tastefully dressed in the latest vegetable fabrics are comparing theori-es.

Log: "According to my formula, the Mother Tongue existed 15 thousand years ago."

Zog: "But according to your data, the formula says that the Mother Tongue will not exist for another 5 thousand years."

Log: "Urgh."

Cog: "No, wait... You're both right. If the pronoun 'I' is pre-eminently stable, then it is the cognate of any one- or two-syllable equivalent in any other language. Who's to say it isn't? The formula is therefore true no matter what the data is."

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Please email me with any science humor contributions you would like to make to this page.
Goto Amy's Hompage.